Kinema!

Guy Ritchie's on the TV, talking about Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. "You can't really summarise Lock, Stock," he says.

I'll give it a shot, Guy. Lock, Stock is a hamfisted, gimmicky ersatz mob yarn that contains nothing original or worthwhile, produced by a spoilt rich kid who wouldn't know how to string a cohesive story together if he had a manual with really easy-to-understand diagrams.